Layers of Wholeness

This week has been an emotional roller coaster for me to say the least. As I prepare to write my experiences, I hesitate because when discussing matters of the heart they are so personal, and I have a personal rule for disclosing anything that I may regret at some point down the road. The more I ponder this subject, the less I feel concerned because my experience is very similar to so many others and what I am facing is a crossroads. Either I can stay stuck in my safe little space where I have everything “under control,” or I can actually head down the path where things don’t feel as certain, but have potential to bring so much more joy and so much more pain. 

I am one of those people with an extremely tender heart. As I grew, I learned that not everyone would respect or give that the reverence and tenderness it deserves. I built up a fort around my heart to keep it safe, but while doing that I also found that my heart still broke inside because with that fort protecting it, it didn’t let anyone in close enough to experience the deep intimacy that I desired. 

When the Universe moves upon you–when God moves upon you and tells you in your heart that it is time to break down that fort–that it is time to gently dismantle that structure piece-by-piece, a scary, wonderful thing begins to happen. As I mentioned in my previous entry, I am in the process of opening my heart. I am working on this on several different levels and as I do gentle hints and some not so gentle hints have arrived to aid my process. 

What I mean by not so gentle hints are unresolved pains from the past–things not thought of for many years. As I began my work a childhood best friend that I hadn’t spoken to in decades got back in touch with me. Along with her friendship request, a feeling of uncertainty and fear swept over me and I realized after pondering that those were long buried feelings, not at all my point of view today. The friendship did not end well and, in fact, had caused me deep pain and depression as a child. Enough so that I moved schools for a new start by 6th grade. All those buried feelings of not being able to trust my inner most secrets or feelings with others came bubbling up again and I realized that this is a paradigm I have been living in ever since. I do still feel that I will be careful with my most intimate experiences and feelings, but not so much that I keep everyone out. 

I am so grateful that she showed up this week! I was able to forgive her completely and more importantly myself. Along with that, I also gained insight into a personal behavior/belief that no longer serves me. I am able to become responsible for my part in the past. The behaviors that I had that were not loyal, that were not respectful, that were not in compassion for the tender hearts of others. I am able to release it all–to be brave once again.

As I peel away these layers of the past, I am able to live a fuller, more abundant life feeling love in my present relationships and releasing others from their actions, but more importantly, releasing myself from things about myself which I felt were unforgivable. 

A Collective Inspiration

Do you ever feel like when there is a message that God wants you to get it comes at you from every direction? I have been feeling just this way for the last couple of weeks. Apparently, the Universe feels that it is time and it is important for my heart to heal past hurts and to be open to new experiences.

I really hadn’t considered how important genuine forgiveness is on all levels. Important not just for others who have wronged us, but for us.. for our hearts. I mean, I’ve said it over and over again. Forgiveness feels wonderful. It is a blessing. I prayed for a forgiving heart. And yet, my heart remained broken from past hurts and past pains. Enough so that I had a difficult time trusting again. Allowing people to get too close. I had my besties. My family. Those who I had deemed “safe,” but that list remains small and contained. I am not proud to admit this. In fact, it sounds pretty terrible to say it, but I am not saying it to hurt anyone. The fact is, that I was truly terrified to allow myself to open up to that level of vulnerability ever again. My heart was broken too many times.

But lately something clicked. A new desire awoke within me. I am not sure if it is all the art, writing, exploration, meditation, pondering, or just blessings being poured down upon me. I really don’t know. I suppose it doesn’t really matter, but the amazing thing is that one day I decided that I wanted to focus on my heart again. I wanted my heart to open. I wanted to have a deeper level of intimacy in my relationships that I hadn’t felt in years. And within that desire friendships were deepened, information became available.. and are you ready for this? Every lesson that I have been taking on Lifebook has had to do with healing and now the heart for the last couple weeks. I was invited to take a relationship healing course called Open Your Heart a week ago. And even Oprah seemed to jump on the bandwagon to help me out with a 21 Day free Meditation challenge. 🙂 Maybe all of these seem like coincidence, but I think not. Everywhere I turn–hearts everywhere!

So, would the Universe be working so hard just to give little ol’ me this great big lesson? Maybe–but probably not. Don’t get me wrong. I know that I am meant to hear this message at this very time. I also know that I am not alone in having this desire–to love deeply, fully. Many people are being moved right now at this very time in history with a message of enlightenment. A message of love, peace, and abundance in all areas of life. The time is right and the information and help is right at our fingertips. When in history was there a time when you could look up just about anything and find out the information that you seek just about instantly? We are living in a world where old barriers are falling because we are literally connected together through this world wide web. Our messages of not just positivity, but of actual systematic change are sweeping over the earth. People who desire better life, better thinking, better behavior, better dreams.. we are able to connect. To become strong. It is beautiful. It is a miracle.

An open heart IS an open mind. As we open our hearts, we remember it is time to let go of old thought patterns. It is time to forgive–to cleanse our bodies of past hurts. It is time to live again. It is time to love again. There is hope. It lies in you. It lies in me.

Lesson 32, “Heart Sight” with Effy Wild

This journal page was a great exercise in processing a lack of forgiveness for self. You were to write a list of things that you don’t like about yourself–your weaknesses. You then reframed them as strengths. Effy’s technique was unique because she didn’t want you to rewrite in affirmations. She wanted you to reword your weaknesses into hopeful, action type of statements. For example, if you said that you were lazy. You would rephrase it into a statement like. “You’ve made goals to achieve your dream of…. “ The point is to make the statement believable to yourself.

Rediscovering Me

Week 3: The Artist’s Date

This week my inner artist was screaming for supplies, but I decided that even though I went to find the list of items needed, I wouldn’t settle for less than a magical date. I decided to go down to the shops in Old Town Battle Ground to see what was new. I parked my car at one end of the strip and planned to walk down one side of the street and back up the other. I didn’t get far before finding a great vintage shop called Rusty Glamour.

I hadn’t been shopping for old/new finds for quite some time, so coming to the vintage clothing section was a pleasant surprise. They had unique pieces of clothing perfect for any one with a sense of style. I found a flowing skirt and a couple of scarves so reasonably priced that I couldn’t leave without them. If the other pieces that I loved had been my size I would have went home with a lot more. My inner artist has been nagging at me due to how drab and boring my own wardrobe is, so how wonderful it is to have found a little shop that has a fresh idea, yet is affordably priced. I got a skirt and two scarves for only $30. To me these were a bargain. How often when you go looking for a bargain you find stuff that looks like it was a bargain? This wasn’t the case for me today. I expected the prices to be much higher on each item.

I ran into an old friend and caught up with her for several minutes until her daughter started getting impatient. The cashier/owner was also more than helpful and gave me the rundown on all of the other vintage/antique shops in town. She didn’t mind me taking a picture of my favorite corner of her shop either. It is a great feeling to have a clerk that is not rushed and is there to connect for a moment as a fellow person (something that department stores or online shopping cannot and will not offer).

Something that I realized after my time walking up the old section of town is that I am a country girl at heart. I love the feeling of being connected with the people and the spirit of the community. I also love the products and essence of what comes from that area. Those country finds help me remember where I come from and what makes me unique.