The last couple of months have been very strange for me. I started back to work full-time and had less time for my art, writing, and personal life. My artist child was ticked to say the least.
Chapter 10 in The Artist’s Way is all about creative u-turns and exposing “The Deadlies” which are alcohol, drugs, sex, work, money, food, and family/friends. One of the exercises has you write these words on strips and draw them. You put the paper previously drawn back into your pile and there is the possibility to draw it again. The strange part of this exercise, is that I drew the same three over and over. When you draw the slip, you are to write how the deadly is having a negative impact on your creative process. I drew work 3 times, money twice, and food twice as well. It killed me that on a month that I was supposed to be focused on improving this aspect of my life, things were amplified compared to normal life. Work was more demanding, situations were more complex, and I had taken on a new role that I needed to learn and settle into. Talking about something that I was having mixed feelings about and leaving a positive message with my readers seemed impossible.. so I did what I do when feeling that way. I retreated.
How many of us react this way when we feel like we may not be living in our truth? Pull back. Reverse. Hide.
The truth is, finances were feeling tight, and working part-time had began to take its toll. I had been reveling in creativity is true, but somewhere deep down, I may have felt a little selfish. Finances hit and the kids need shoes. Okay, so maybe it isn’t as simple as just needing shoes, but you get the point. OR was I really just scared that the ride was over and that things were going to start getting too real for me? Do you ever have that moment when you make a shift and you know it happens, but you aren’t sure why you made the choice? I remember that happening. Almost like a tantrum. Things had not moved fast enough with my art endeavors. I was hoping to have prints up 6 months earlier and things were happening in slow motion. Anger surged as I decided to go back and make up with the lack of income through my day job. My heart broke a little.
A question that I have: Who made the rule that artists need to go through financial depravation in order to succeed? I am grateful for this new paradigm that we are building together where artists and creatives alike are valued for their contribution and are blessed with the abundance life has to offer.
This week, I feel like I finally came out on the other side so-to-speak. I got real with myself and faced facts that I did have a choice–I do have a choice. The truth is that I find great satisfaction in helping others. I love to see that I can make a difference and do my part in breaking down old, worn out systems that grind on vulnerable populations. I am not ready to leave my day job behind in the dust. I am still learning, growing and developing skills. I know that boundaries are important and I will need to take even better care of myself. I made the right decision for where I am at during this very moment in time. My creative dreams are very important to me and will continue to be a top priority in my life. One day, my passions will become one in purpose and I will be able to incorporate my desire to help others with art and creativity. Until that day, I learn and prepare.